5 Keys of Moving Toward Reconciliation

BY: Deana Bell, Director, Restored Marriage
I know that one of the first things that we ask ourselves when we start standing is, "God, when will You restore my marriage?" And although the answer to that is “God only knows,” it is important not to SIT WHILE YOU STAND. (link e-book) Although standing in the worldly sense implies not moving, in the godly sense, standing requires change; change not only on your spouse's part but on yours. We at Covenant Keepers believe that the MOST IMPORTANT change while standing comes in what God will do in YOU if you let Him. Although you may not have been the one to walk away, commit adultery, or go back on your marriage vows, I’ll bet you can think of some ways that you failed your spouse. We all have. It's ok. Changing the past is not possible, but changing yourself for the future is of utmost importance. I have made a list of five things that I believe will move you toward reconciliation.
 
1. Make a list of all of the ways that you want to ask your spouse to forgive you. Wait for the Lord's prompting and timing, but eventually, you will want to repent to your husband/wife for all of the ways the Lord showed you that you have offended them or have not been the godly spouse that you were intended to be.

2. Ask the Lord how He sees your husband/wife. Ask for a list of qualities that He sees that you may not. Or even better, ask the Lord to show you someone in the Bible who represents the good qualities He sees in your spouse.

3. Pray about how you can bless your spouse. Sometimes (usually not in the first few months) the Lord will show you that your spouse needs a blessing. He will show you in prayer what that is. Is it a kind word? A special Scripture verse, written out on a piece of paper? A batch of their favorite cookies that they may have missed you making for them? Because your spouse is not walking in accordance with the Lord's will for his/her life, a blessing is a way to show the love of Jesus to them. Don't make the mistake of doing this without the prompting of the Lord or it will completely backfire. Timing is everything. Prepare in advance, do not be rushed to make it happen in your own timing.

4. Speak of your spouse only in the highest regard when you are in the presence of your children, your family, the other person, your wife/husband's family, your pastor, your friends, and anyone else. You will need a few (2-3) close friends that can truly hear your heart when you need to unload and vent, but for the most part, you need to speak well of your spouse and avoid piling on judgment and condemnation.

5. Seek a counselor that will respect your desire to reconcile with your spouse and that will join you in prayer for your restoration. This licensed counselor should also be able to provide you with techniques and homework that will repair the hurts that you have faced. He/she should be able to help you heal by encouraging you to take all of your cares and worries to the cross and asking you to look for where Jesus is working during this process.

I hope this list was helpful. While I realize that this list may take some time to complete, I think there is tremendous value in considering each one. For further reading, please see Don't Sit While You Stand, by our ministry partner and friend, Marilyn Phillips.
DEANA BELL:
Deana is currently one of the Directors of Covenant Keepers, International. She graduated from the Dove School of Leadership through Chesapeake Bible College and received her Pastor's license in 2019. Previously she and her husband, Koji, served as the Mid-West Regional Directors of Covenant Keepers and as small group leaders in that area. She has a degree in Secondary Education as well as experience in counseling from a biblical standpoint. For the last 20 years, she has also served her family as a stay-at-home mom and homeschool teacher. Deana's marriage has been restored since 2013.
 
She is passionate about having a relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. She has seen many miracles in her life as well as in the lives of the people around her. At her core, she is an encourager and disciple of Christ, spending most of her days ministering to people and digging into the Word. She also speaks at conferences, loves to write, and teach the Word of God. She and her family currently live and attend church in the Charlotte, NC area.
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